What's wrong with JMO?
06/04/2009 07:52 a.m. | Self-Improvement
My boss Ed Schipul sent us an email that included an interesting list of character behaviors. He got the list of typical flaws from What Got You Here Won't Get You There by Marshall Goldsmith. It has struck a cord with meand below is the list and then my self evaluation. I'd love anyone's feedback, but you may want to email me (jmoswalt at gmail) instead of leaving it here.
First the List, then my responses.
- Winning too much: (Guilty) The need to win at all costs and in all situations -- when it matters, when it doesn't, and when it's totally beside the point.
- Adding too much value: The overwhelming desire to add our two cents to every discussion.
- Passing judgment: (Guilty) The need to rate others and impose our standards on them.
- Making destructive comments: (Guilty)The needless sarcasms and cutting remarks that we think make us sound sharp and witty.
- Starting with "No," "But," or "However": (Guilty) The overuse of these negative qualifiers which secretly say to everyone, "I'm right. You're wrong."
- Telling the world how smart you are: (Guilty) The need to show people we're smarter than they think we are.
- Speaking when angry: Using emotional volatility as a management tool.
- Negativity, or "Let me explain why that won't work": (Guilty) The need to share our negative thoughts even when we weren't asked.
- Withholding information: (Guilty) The refusal to share information in order to maintain an advantage over others.
- Failing to give proper recognition: The inability to praise and reward.
- Claiming credit that we don't deserve: The most annoying way to overestimate our contribution to any success.
- Making excuses: The need to reposition our annoying behavior as a permanent fixture so people excuse us for it.
- Clinging to the past: The need to deflect blame away from ourselves and onto events and people from the past; a subset of blaming everyone else.
- Playing favorites: (Guilty) Failing to see that we are treating someone unfairly.
- Refusing to express regret: The inability to take responsibility for our actions, admit we're wrong, or recognize how our actions affect others.
- Not listening: (Guilty) The most passive-aggressive form of disrespect for colleagues.
- Failing to express gratitude: The most basic form of bad manners.
- Punishing the messenger: The misguided need to attack the innocent who are usually only trying to help us.
- Passing the buck: The need to blame everyone but ourselves.
- An excessive need to be "me": Exalting our faults as virtues simply because they're who we are.
- Other.
- Guilty. I am very competitive, and often don't "play" if I can't win.
- I hold back quite often, but when I do add value I am convinced it is superior value.
- Guilty.I do this a lot. I like to compare things, and I have a hard time understanding why people do some of the seemingly ridiculous things they do.
- Guilty. I do this a lot too. I think quickly, which I think causes me to do this. I don't even say most of the things I am thinking, but still what I say seems like too much.
- Guilty. This and #8 really highlight #2, where I think my comments are better than everyone else's. It's the ugly confidence that I am not proud of having.
- Guilty. I don't do this voluntarily, but it tends to come out anyway though the comments I make, and the tone I tend to use.
- I don't really do this. Sometimes I have weak moments, but I am not angry very often and I tend to hold it in.
- Guilty.See #5.
- Guilty. I do this quite often in games. I get the feeling of "catching someone" in a trap of knowledge, which feels good for some reason. Same thing in poker when you know you have good cards and the other people don't. You "bust" people, and you feel like the good guy, except you aren't the cops and they were probably trying to be helpful.
- Guilty. I just feel awkward doing this for some reason. I don't know what to say so I say nothing at all. The people around me in my life are much better at this.
- I don't do this directly, and in this way I am a bit humble. But I don't always correct people who assume I did more than I actually did.
- I've gotten much better at this, but my brain is very good at thinking up very reasonable excuses for things which are more like lies than excuses. I'm more guilty of that than making excuses all of the time.
- I don't do this to explain circumstances. I do hold tight to past regrets, but that is mostly internal.
- Guilty. I have done this without even realizing it, especially in CARPOOL. I'm not sure if it was because I wanted other's approval or if I just liked them better.
- I can fail to recognize the affect of my actions on others, but I am usually quick to admit when I'm wrong. But, I often do it in a way that diffuses anyone who is trying to "bust" me.
- Guilty. I am guilty of this, but not often. I just get distracted and internally blame the other person for a) talking to me when they don't initially even have my attention, or b) not being interesting. Both have some respect issues involved, and I rarely put myself in their shoes.
- I do this very well. I always over-say "Please" and "Thank You", and am generally very courteous.
- I don't really do this. I usually commiserate with them about "the man" or the problems at the top.
- I am not afraid or hesitant to blame myself, but I am not going to be the first person to jump at the chance of admitting guilt. And while I do not do much finger-pointing, I do think deeply about why something went wrong and what could have caused it, whether it's because of me or someone else.
- I don't really do this. I view this as an MTV problem and am very counter-culture to that concept. The only way I could see that I do this goes back to #1 and me having to win. The need to be "me" does exalt that I have to and am going to win, and the fact that I am proud of that may be a problem.
- Guilty. Is too much self-evaluation a problem?
This is not great. This list has been one of the most functional lists I have seen concerning these types of behaviors. A lot better than the "Don't be an asshole" catch-all rule. The bigger problem I have with my behaviors is that they are often subtle and calculated, which means I am doing them intentionally usually to serve #1, winning at all costs.
It's much more than picking my battles. My focus needs to be more aligned with the needs of others and the group as a whole. It is hard for me to try and be "better" without adding ".. than everyone around me" to the end. Data by itself is not useful. It needs comparisons or benchmarks. And they easiest place I know to find those is locally.
The internet has made it so now I can rarely compete on any level larger than local. I could be the best Halo 3 player in my neighborhood, or with my friends online, but I will still rank 534,456 in the world. I therefore tend to frame my competition within goals that I can meet. Best in my house, street, office, etc. Again, it goes back to #1. Bottomline:I play games I can win. Maybe I need to lose some of the time.
Thanks for reading. This was a long one.