Complaining and Worrying...
Category: People
Published: 11/24/2008 08:10 a.m.
I am not much of a complainer. While I am very critical (and somewhat cynical), I do my best to see the positive in things and to not let little problems get me down. The problem I see with complaining revolve around it's similarities to worrying, which I almost never do. In both cases, you experience a good deal of stress and anguish without much of a reward. I tend to also be very strategic and efficient, so actions that waste time and energy are not high on my list. But, there are many situations where it is difficult not to worry or complain.
For worrying, the unknown is really what causes most people to worry. They don't know what's going to happen, and even if they plan for multiple situations, they worry that the worst will happen, or that something totally unexpected will occur. The unknown opinions of others, or the unknown state of a job or relationship can cause tremendous stress while there may be very little that a person can change to affect the outcome of these situations.
For complaining, anything that deviates from what is expected or preferred usually causes a person to complain. Bad service, a rude co-worker, or perhaps when something breaks that shouldn't have. Because different people have different expectations and preferences for the same things (like a movie for instance), there will almost always be someone who will complain about it. Service is rarely functioning in overdrive all of the time, and even at 99% there will still be someone who is frustrated and decides to complain.
The acts of worrying and complaining are also similar. They can be internal, which leads to more fretting and more frustration. Or they can be shared with a friend (or even a stranger) in the hopes of gaining some empathy. This occasionally connects people on a common ground and prompts action and change, but in general, people do not end up any better. Whether doing these things internally or externally, the result is all too often destructive.
In my life, I avoid these types of activities by trying to create something positive out of my situation. If I am worrying about a test, then I try to find the reason I am worried and then find ways to alter that reason. Most of the time, the reason was that I did poorly on a previous exam, or that I felt unprepared. For the first reason, I would think back to the last test and ask why I did poorly. A few times it was because the test was a stumper, but mostly it was my lack of proper preparation. This turns out to be the other possible reason for being worried. So, now that I have isolated the reason (not prepared), I try to find an action that I can take to change my level of preparedness. This is very easy. I just had to study and prepare more. So from starting with a worry, I have now moved onto an action that will mitigate my worry. I worry less because I know I am doing something about it. The test example is a very simple one, and only works if I can affect the outcome. In other cases (like the economy) I have little influence.
Long ago I was taught (by Dad) about the Spheres of Influence and Concern. The Sphere of Influence is all things that I can change, or influence. The Sphere of Concern is all things that I am concerned about. The goal is to make these two spheres the same. In this way, everything that I am concerned about are things I can control to a degree. And conversely, I am influencing the maximum amount of things.
While I have not made my circles the same, I find this to be a great strategy to simply eliminate things to worry about. Instead of worrying about all of the economy, I can worry about my spending habits and how I manage my money. Those are things I can monitor and eventually change. All of this is done to eliminate worry. If it isn't something I can't change but may affect me, I take a separate action. I plan.
I act strategically and try and think of all the possible outcomes of an event that could influence me, and how they could influence me. An example of this is taking an umbrella to work when the forecast calls for rain. A more complicated example is that of the economy, and how I am spending, saving, and investing. The other benefit of planning is as more information becomes known, you can tighten your plan. So, instead of worrying, I plan and think strategically, and hope for the best.
Complaining is not all too different. I despise complaining mostly because as much as I enjoy being a sounding board for friends and family, I find it annoying when people complain all of the time. It makes it seem like these people are very negative and unhappy, and I don't want that kind of energy rubbing off on me. In a recent post, Seth Godin does a bit of complaining. He has done similar posts in the past, and in most of them there is a formulaic call-to-action at the end. Something to the effect of "take this bad example and don't repeat it yourself".
I like the idea of trying to turn complaining into a positive. But, I am not sure a call-to-action for others is the right way to do so. As an alternative to complaining, I try to do three things: 1) I aim to adjust my standards so that I am less often disappointed, 2) I make an effort to give feedback whenever possible (in good cases and bad), and 3) I try to inform others of my experience, rather than complaining. Hopefully by doing these, I will have less things to complain about, and have an outlet to make a productive change instead of whining.
This productive change comes in the form of words and actions. My words are a recap of my experiences. These may be good or bad, and can be shared with anyone, regardless of how relevant the situation may be to them. I could give feedback to a fast food company that I received poor service. Or, I could recommend to my friends that they may not want to go there so they will not receive the same poor service. These kinds of interactions have the potential to create change, whether within the business or with my friends. However, my actions can often speak louder.
I think the way people act after complaining is one of my biggest pet peeves. If you don't like how you are treated and McDonalds, don't go there. There are alternatives. This is altered a bit when complaining about the high cost of airfare or other things that do not have a viable alternative (30-hr bus ride, no thank you). Even still, I am no better off after complaining about these things then before if I fail to make a change in my actions. So, for many things that don't have an alternative, I see no reason to complain. I can't make it any better; it is outside of my Sphere of Influence. For the things worth complaining about, I make a change. And in part of my three steps above, I can influence a business to be better, or influence my friends to make the change I have made. I once had a lousy experience at a Whataburger, and I made my friends go some place else when we wanted fast food.
All of this may seem like a lot of extra mental effort, but it pays off in the end. I am replacing complaining and worrying (negative time wasters), with planning and informing/acting (productive time uses). As part of my Sphere of Influence, you the reader have just been a part of my actions and informing. I could have just as easy written a post 'complaining about complainers', but then I would be a pot, and everyone else would be a kettle. Not productive. Hopefully you too can take some of the energy you are wasting by worrying and complaining and refocus it to something that is more productive.