Being truly Non-judgmental...
Category: Self-Improvement
Published: 02/10/2009 11:41 a.m.
*Just a quick note, this gets into religion and my take on it so if that is not your thing, maybe you might like something else on my blog.
The phrase "non-judgmental" gets thrown around a lot. Many people (aside from judges) find it to be a very important, prestigious quality to have. I was first introduced to it in church, but I was really confronted with it in CARPOOL at Texas A&M. One of our six pillars is being non-judgmental so that we can comfortably serve our patrons. But that really begs the question, what does it mean to be non-judgmental?
I would explain it this way. Lets say someone comes to me and says they have stolen something. Here are a series of responses I can offer them that I think are truly non-judgmental:
Legal: It is illegal to steal things. Also, as a citizen, I should probably report this. Religious: According to my interpretation of the Bible (and the Ten Commandments), God does not want us to steal things. Personal: I personally don't think it is good to steal things, and I try not to do it myself. I may not want to be your friend for fear that you may steal something from me, but I will have to think about that. (As a Juror on the case): I have looked at the evidence and have decided that I believe you did in fact steal something. (As a pastor or priest): As I interpret the Bible, God doesn't want us to steal. I believe we should all do what God wants. If you would like, you can take this up with God. If you want, I can help with that.
Only as a juror did I accuse them of stealing, and that is because it is the duty of a juror to do so. In all the other situations, here is a few things I did not say:
You are a bad person. You should not have stolen. You are going to hell. You need forgiveness. You must do this to compensate for what you did.
I hope the difference is quite obvious. The non-judgmental answers are "I" focused or they are statements of facts. The uglier side are "You" focused. It should be this easy to tell them apart, but often, the facts can get very clouded. But, I believe there is a better way to express those.
First, when talking about the Bible, there are a few often unstated assumptions. One is that you believe the Bible is true. Second, you understand that when explaining the Bible, you are really explaining your interpretation of the Bible. Also, you need to be very clear about what is in the Bible, and what you think. Saying "Stealing is wrong" or "The Bible says stealing is wrong" are not facts. They are opinions that often lead to judging. Saying "The Bible, as I read it, says that God doesn't want us to steal" is a much less judgmental way to say it. I am not very familiar with other religions, but I think these types of methods apply regardless. Truth is what you believe.
In the same way that the juror passes the duty of judgment to the Judge, we should pass the duty of judging to God. In some cases, there may be a need for an intermediary, or a person who is a professional. This person is an ordained priest or minister (or similar for non-christian religions). They can help, but even how that help is offered can be touchy.
Good version: Do you want to talk to a pastor? Can I help you to speak to the pastor about that? (As pastor) Do you need my help with this?
Bad version: You need to talk to the pastor about that. You should talk to someone about that. (As pastor) You need to get my blessing for this.
Again, there is a stark difference. This time, it is asking vs. telling. Although, I really need to note that asking is only ok when you have been approached. In CARPOOL, we were never supposed to ask someone if they needed a ride until they approached us. Don' assume, don't judge. Just try to be of help.
The last part is the hardest, and that is allowing someone to continue to harm themselves or others. By stepping in, confronting someone, holding an intervention, or even bringing help that is not requested, you are crossing the line into being judgmental. But, I believe there is a need for that. Even though I think it is a great and wonderful thing to not judge others, there comes a time when dealing with close family or friends that it becomes an even greater thing to step in. I don't have advice to offer on when, if, or how to do that. I just think in some cases, it is better to judge then to stand idle.
I hope after reading this you think about some of your own actions. I won't pretend to be perfect and say I always act the way I have outlined. I hope you won't judge me for it. I just try to be better.